I am alone, this Thanksgiving Day. It is not the first Thanksgiving Day I have spent alone, but it is the first Thanksgiving Day I am content to be alone, to enjoy the opportunity for quiet contemplation, to do whatever I want to do, without having to consider what others would want to do, and to pray to my Heavenly Father as he would most like me to pray, "But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou has shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly." (Matthew 6:5)
Today, I am not envious of those who are surrounded by loved ones. Today, I am not weeping and crying, in a deep depression, because I feel so completely alone. Today, I am happy, grateful, and feeling truly blessed. In the days leading up to today, similar to previous years, friends have asked me if I "have somewhere to go" for Thanksgiving or "someone to be with." As in previous years, I have said no, and, when asked to join the person inquiring, I have respectfully declined. What's different this year is that I don't feel the need to provide a reason for my answer.
Having experienced varying scenarios of Thanksgiving, over the years, I'd like to share some advice for those who are considering sharing their Thanksgiving celebration with someone outside their family:
Extend the invitation early, and intentionally.
When I receive an invitation from someone at church, the Sunday before Thanksgiving, it tends to come across as an afterthought. I'm much more inclined to accept an invitation, if it comes in the mail, if it comes from everyone in the family, or if I get a phone call (preferably right after Halloween) the sole purpose of which is the invitation.
Always accept the first response, but make it clear the invitation is longstanding.
Being asked to spend Thanksgiving with anyone I don't know very well usually gets me feeling a bit awkward; I start thinking, "Why are they asking me?" and I initially don't want to accept. However, if those extending the invitation display a genuine interest in wanting me involved in their gathering, and give me time to think about it, my awkwardness subsides, and I'm relieved that I can make a thoughtful decision. An open invitation also helps me to not feel awkward or embarrassed, if something suddenly comes together with my own family (none of whom are nearby).
LISTEN and be SENSITIVE!
I think this is the most important point about including a single person, particularly if the person you're inviting is older than you. One year, a young mother asked what I was doing for Thanksgiving. I said I was fixing turkey and dressing, and looking for someone to share it with. She then asked if I would like to come to her house for Thanksgiving. I asked if I could bring my turkey. Her response was that the company her husband works for gives them a free turkey every year, so, no, I don't need to bring anything. She added that another family was going to be there. I almost couldn't say no fast enough. If you're not understanding why this invitation was off-putting for me, here's how I interpreted what she said:
- She called me up a few days before Thanksgiving, so it seemed like an afterthought. It also seemed like she was thinking that no one should spend Thanksgiving alone, and maybe she felt sorry for me, because I was going to be alone.
- She had obviously invited another family long before she thought of me, another indication that I might have been an afterthought or pity invitation.
- This woman was aware that I love to cook for others, before she invited me. Even though I offered to bring something, she insisted that I not bring anything. This was hugely insulting to me. She had not yet prepared her free turkey and could have easily frozen it for use later, or given it to a needy family. What this said to me is that she is not willing to give something up to make someone else happy; that is not someone with whom I'm interested in spending time.
Now, I have no idea what this woman was thinking, nor will I ever know her intentions. She's a good Christian woman who cares for those who are less fortunate, but, like many, many others, she hasn't had the experience of being alone on Thanksgiving, so she doesn't know what it feels like. She can only relate to my experience through her imagination. The point of this post is to help those of you who have never lived alone, or have forgotten what it's like, to understand the perspective of a person currently living alone.
Consider taking the celebration somewhere else.
The way I see it, if you want to improve the welfare of another person, it's important to put the other person's welfare before your own. Perhaps you're thinking of inviting a single person, or an older couple to your Thanksgiving feast. Do your homework, first. Nearly every single person I know has trouble "getting out." When we're invited somewhere, unless it's all about us, it's so easy to send a text a few hours before the event, indicating we don't feel well enough to go, or something else has come up. Single folks have been doing this to me, for years. If you sense any hesitancy in a yes response, ask if it would be okay if you brought Thanksgiving to the person's home. Also, every nursing home has at least one resident who has no family, and every nursing home serves a Thanksgiving meal. Think about spending Thanksgiving at a nursing home, ordering enough meals for your family, and arranging to sit with a resident who would otherwise be watching other residents celebrating with their families.
I leave you with the following quote:
Thomas S. Monson
We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues.
Quote found in A Future as Bright as Your Faith
Happy Thanksgiving!!
